There comes a point during times of great duress that I look at traveling back to my old homestead. I love New England and, yes, even New Hampshire. I miss the trees, the foliage, the humidity (I know I’m crazy for saying that) and the ocean. Living in the schizophrenic weather of Utah makes me pine for the days of green and wet. It is so easy to live here in torrential downpour one minute and then bright daybreaks the next.
Interestingly enough, my moods and mindset seem to lean more towards the nature of Utah weather than my old NH. Since I was very young I have had problems with “dark moments” in my life. I know that people term my condition “depression” but I tend to disagree. I don’t feel depressed … I just feel tired. And almost beat down and worn out. My tendency during these times is to look at the bleakest outcome and think that is the most likely situation I’ll find myself. (I know this is typical “depression”, but I don’t like labels.) And it’s interesting that during these times of duress I look at returning home and thinking that will solve all my problems.
Home … I still call NH home, even though I haven’t lived there for over 13 years. I guess I’ll never get the thoughts of fresh air and trees out of my mind. I like where I live, but I think back of days at Beaver Lake, Adam’s Pond, Crystal Avenue and Shaw’s as fond moments in my life. And when I sit in a “dark moment”, those moments of reflection in the past will usually bring me out into the light.
Why write about this? Because something happened over this past weekend that made me see the error of my ways. And the simple resolve was this … nothing can get you down unless you give allowance to bring you down. Pardon me while I get spiritual, but if all good things come from Heaven above, then this “depression” is the work of a vile source to hold me stagnant. Only through my trials and tribulations will I be able to become a stronger person that is needed in this world. Isn’t that what growth is? And only by growing and progressing can I truly become that person the world needs me to be.
So, I’ve held myself back. Not only because I have been in this great funk for the past couple of weeks, but because I have held on to dreams of the past as realities of the present. I have let myself find the morass of pity feel more comfortable than the pains of strength. I have found it easier to sit with apathy than to well up in myself the fountain of power I know I have. I have lived in my mind instead of introducing myself to the world.
Memories are moments to treasure, but I need to remember that they are also the past that will never be relieved again, even if I could orchestrate the same people and situations. The present needs to be full of new moments to treasure. Either with friends, family or just being by myself. I will never forget my past memories. Sure they are gilded with gold when I look at them, but now … what is needed right now … is for me to gild the future.
Look out world … I don’t know what’s coming, but I’m sure it’s something memorable. Even if it’s just me falling on my face again. :)